| Had to Write |
[January 11, 2008 @ 3:21pm] |
It's been so long since I've posted here and I'm ashamed to admit that I don't keep contact with most of you anymore. I don't really expect people to read this and think 'Oh, she's back!' because most likely, I'll revert back to hiding from people. God knows that's what I want to do lately.
But I have to write, because I have to talk about it.
My husband left me last night.
It's not a big surprise to me that he left. Things have been hard for us lately and our marriage hasn't been great. We argue a lot. He does something inconsiderate, without thinking of me, and I get mad, say things I shouldn't. We make up and everything is okay, until it happens again, then it will happen all over again. We're both to blame for our problems.
It reached a head New Years Eve, which was his birthday. I had made plans, bought him a cake, candles, things to make it an interesting night for us, intimately. He knew this. But the New Years' Eve party we went to was on where it was a lot of his high school friends, all of who are heavy party drinkers. He didn't want to come home but wanted to stay there and get drunk. I was hurt, so I got angry. We had an argument in front of people, though I tried to keep my voice down, but he refused to come home, so I spent the night by myself. The next day he when he came home, he told me that he didn't want me anymore. He still loved me, but he didn't want me any more.
I told him I would try harder, try not to argue, to not nag at him, to be a better wife. He didn't leave and for the last nearly two weeks, things have been great. We spend more time together, we do more together, we laugh more, and it has just seemed as if things have improved so much. I fell in love with him all over again.
Then last night he comes home, not saying hardly anything to me. We got in a very minor argument, over nothing really, where he just said something that hurt my feelings. The next thing I know, he tells me he dreads coming home, that he never thinks of me during the day, never has a thought of me, unless it's bad. He says he's not happy, his life is in a rut. That he doesn't love me anymore.
I always thought that if this day ever came, I would handle it with some dignity, I would stay calm, stay rationale. But I did none of that. I started crying and I couldn't stop. I begged him not to go, told him that I loved him, that I needed him. He said that only made it worse, that he doesn't want to hurt me, but he needs space and time to think. Then he said he couldn't stay the night there.
I had the sudden fear that if he walked out that door, he would never walk back in again. I pleaded with him not to go, that I didn't want to be alone in the house without him, not feeling like that. He has a supportive family to go to, I don't. If my parents find out, my father will find someway to blame me, or make it so bad that Nick and I will never be able to reconciliate. My sister was the only one I can go to, so I stayed the night with her, but only after crying so hard I vomited. I tried calling him, tried calling his parents. But they wouldn't answer. I don't have any friends that weren't his friends first. All of my cloests and dearest friends live in other states are ones I've met online and they don't live near.
It felt good to be at my sister's place, but once everyone went to be and I was on the couch, I started crying again. Then when she brought me home, and I went into the bedroom, and his clothes were lying on the floor and I could smell his cologne in the bathroom, I broke down, all over again.
He's staying at his parents right now, for how long, I don't know. He hasn't said he wants a divorce, but he hasn't said he wants to work things out either. He wants to just take time and think about it and have time away from me. And I guess I understand that. I haven't always been happy with him, either and maybe I need to think too.
I need to be rationale and look at this without so much emotion, but I can't see past my pain. I feel like someone has just torn the insides out from me and I'm looking at them on the floor. This wasn't supposed to happen, not to me, not to us. We haven't had any children and I don't want them with anyone else. For all his flaws and how much he pisses me off, I love my husband.
I don't know what to think or feel right now. I'm a wreck and nothing feels good, nothing feels normal. It's like I'm not even here, but seeing someone else's life through my eyes. I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday, and I don't think I can. Everything I see reminds me, somewho, of him. Watching TV is torture, listening to the radio is out of the question. I tried to play WoW, which Nick got me into, and it reminds me too much of him. God, this is so fucked up, I'm fucked up. I've never hurt so much in my life, even the times when he was in Iraq and I thought I'd never see him again. Then I knew he loved me, that me missed me. Now I worry that he can only think of me with contempt and disgust.
I don't know what to do with my life if he decides to divorce me. For the past six years, he's been my life. I can't contemplate living on my own, but I know I'll have to. I don't even want to think about trying to move on.
I want us to go to a marriage counselor, even if it's expensive. We need neutral territory to vent ourselves on each other without the option of leaving the room or the house.
Maybe I'm stupid for wanting this to last, but I love him, and I think we're worth more to each other than to just quit before we reach our sixth anniversary.
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[March 26, 2007 @ 4:45pm] |
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Hey everyone! I know I haven't been around a great deal lately, but I have new e-mail address and a new AIM. My new e-mail address is OLCMegGiry@yahoo.com and my new AIM is OLCMegGiry. I no longer have the AOL account, but I do still have my AIM account in that name.
As for my writing...I'm gettin' there.
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| When snow and World of Warcraft combine |
[February 14, 2007 @ 8:08am] |
Kat:: I sent off an email to work just to double check--I really don't think we'll open, but you never know
Kat: and I'm too much of a workaholic to just assume
Mandy:: Yeah, you wanna be careful and just make sure.
Kat: *nods* I mean, I could get down there if I had to--find a sled or something
Mandy: LOL
Mandy: ::pictures her flying down that godawful hill in a sled.:: Weee!
Kat: hehehe taking out a freshman on the way
Mandy: 5000 points.
Kat: w00t!
Mandy: "One more and I can level up!" Woooosh.
Kat: hehee "You can't stop the power of a Level 25 Night Elf!!!"
Kat: The freshman calls me a geek from the snow drift where he landed
Mandy: Then you hit a large, snow covered parked vehicle while you're turned about and cackling.
Kat: Aww---I've done that!
Mandy: ..."Damn powersurges. Restart!"
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| Bleh |
[February 03, 2007 @ 7:54pm] |
I hate taxes. I hate tax time. I hate the federal goverment that says I have to pay taxes. I hate stupid people who don't friggin' do what I say the first time when I friggin' know what needs to be done.
ERGH!!!
Okay, I'm done.
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| Timing Sucks |
[November 19, 2006 @ 8:37am] |
I always seem to sign on when none of you are actually online. My timing blows.
Anyway, there's a new update up!
And as for a personal update, my husband has a new job, thank god. Our financial situation isn't exactly the best right now and we've been needing some more income, so this is verrah good. He starts Monday. We're gonna be moving soon, possibly to an apartment or rental house and out of this lifesuckingcookiecutterpieceofcrap! I'm so excited about a smaller house. Less to clean, less to pay, and if its an apartment, no freaking maintence!
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| Er.. |
[November 18, 2006 @ 11:46am] |
Okay, so maybe I spoke too soon about giving up, because I just finished up the next chapter of AEoT. Kinda got hot and bothered a bit by some reviews, then an anonymous reviewer went to bat for me and it kinda put things back in perspective.
Yes, I worry too, too much about what others think of me and I let it bug me far more than it should. Maybe I am a flight, finicky creature when it comes to my writing, but I have my reasons and more often than not, I get bitter about it and lash back at flames when I should just keep my mouth shut.
Anyway, I feel a little better now, at least I'm writing again (okay, I am ALWAYS saying that!) Hopefully, it'll stick.
Wow, next Thursday is Thanksgiving. I'm so glad I'm not the one who will be cooking!
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| Ergh! |
[November 17, 2006 @ 11:58am] |
I knew, I just knew when I updated AEoT, I was going to get flames from the flamers who flamed me for not updating in a while. Jesus H Christ, I can't please people!
::kicks..something!::
Fucking hell, I thought I was pulling myself out of my Phan Phiction-avoidant mood, now this just boots me right back into it. I swear..I'm gonna pull my shit, make a new name, only post The Space Between on here and my non-phan stuff on the new account and have done with it.
ERGH!
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| I'm a Slacker! |
[November 10, 2006 @ 11:23am] |
No wonder I never made straight A's. I had a wandering imagination at an early age...
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| Rwar! |
[November 10, 2006 @ 10:40am] |
Holy Mother of God, I love my new layout!
Wooo, HTML!
ETA: That's James Marsters, by the way. Mmnothing like a cigarette smoking, cynical, British vampire to make the day brighter.
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| Pissed the Fuck Off. |
[July 16, 2006 @ 12:16am] |
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Yesterday was my 4th anniversary. Yeah, not a big year, but still...
Anywhoo, just about two weeks ago, my in-laws had their 25th and they expected the kids to throw them a party, so...we did. There's three kids. Nick-my husband--Rob, and Joe. The part cost 500.00. A fairly simple affair at their lake with a roasted pig and such. The 500.00 was split between the three boys. Now, over the last year, they have told us that we are taking him out for Father's Day, taking her out for Mother's Day, birthdays, etc. And they don't pick cheap places. They want to go to PF Chang, Ruth Criss, Vantosa, and Bone Fish. These are expensive places, sometimes over a hundred dollars for two people alone. They expect presents, too.
Taking that into consideration...my motherinlaw told us two days ago that we were taking her to Vantosa for her birthday in August, then...oh boy...proceeded to give us our anniversary gift.
A dozen roses.
WTF?
Nick gave me two dozen for our anniversary, she knew this, because he told her. What does she give US, man and wife? A dozen roses. Now, tell me how a man is supposed to enjoy a dozen roses? How is that a gift that in anyway compares to the gifts we've given them. Not even considering she knew he was giving me two dozen.
To top it all off...the roses came from Hallmark, who is the WORST company you can use. They didn't deliver them in water, but in a solid cardboard box, no air, no..nothing. They were half dead and by this morning, completely dead.
This really, really pisses me off. She TELLS us what we're going to do for them for all these holidays and events, things she knows we can't afford. Nick and I make, combined 40 k a year. Joey makes close to 85 k by himself, Rob makes about 60 k. We have no money, they do! And after all we've scraped by to do for them, she gives us dead flowers for our anniversay.
But the real kicker is this:
When we married, they paid for one and one thing only at our wedding: the rehearsal dinner. Four hundred dollars.
Joey, the chemist, the golden child is getting married next year. Know what she tells me today? That they're sending him and Gwen to Hawaii for two week as a wedding present. Our wedding present was a dinner and a washer and drier from one of her rental houses that worked for three months.
Am I being incrediably selfish here? Should this hurt like it does? We're like...chopped suey to them.
Pisses me off.
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| Pictures! |
[July 13, 2006 @ 9:25am] |
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These are a collection of pictures from the charity event I attended in mid-June, called Zoobilation. It's a benefit for the Indianapolis Zoo. Some of these were shot on black and while film...hence the black and white!
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| New Layout! |
[July 12, 2006 @ 7:29pm] |
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Okay, new layout and new icon...again. Hee!
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| New Icon! |
[July 11, 2006 @ 11:21am] |
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OMG Jack!
::ahem:: That is all...
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| I Feel Ooolllddd |
[June 03, 2006 @ 9:16am] |
I'm a quarter of a century year old today...
::mutters::
I feel old.
Ah well, I'm getting a Bed, Bath and Beyond Gift Certificate, hurrah!
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| The List of Iniquity |
[June 01, 2006 @ 3:58pm] |
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Mandy's List of Dabauchery and Sin:
1.) Kay!Erik
2.) Hardcore!Erik
3.) John Malcovich!Hyde
4.) Hugh Jackman!Wolverine
5.) A certain cajun on Mith's list
6.) David Bowie!Jareth
7.) Severus Snape
8.) Lucius Malfoy--or a Duke that looks like him. ::snickers::
9.) Captain Jack Sparrow
10.) Gary Oldman!Dracula
Oh, all the lovely choices and possibilities.
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| So... |
[May 27, 2006 @ 5:18pm] |
Okay...it must be said. Forgive me ahead of time.
ZOMG!!! X-MEN 3 STARTS TODAY!!!!
ahem...thanks.
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[May 15, 2006 @ 8:23am] |
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Odd, no matter how many times I watch Phantom the ending scene as it closes on the rose and the ring still makes me cry.
::sigh::
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| HOUSE SPOILERS!!! HOUSE SPOILERS!!! HOUSE SPOILERS!!! |
[May 12, 2006 @ 8:58am] |
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...Now that that's been said...
After watching the latest episode of House M.D. I have so many...thoughts.
In the episode, a mother has post-partum depression--along with stomach cancer--and she attempts two times to kill her own infant son. Her final attempt does indeed kill him several hours later when his lungs stop working.
No, I don't think I'm going to be a mother with homicidal thoughts toward my child, but it raised other questions for me.
There's this scene...Greg has to perform the autopsy on the baby. He carefully unwraps the infant, says a prayer over his tiny form, then begins. And watching that just made me think: Never. Never will I have a child who can die, who can tear my heart and soul and world apart with their death. This sounds crazy, but I'm 25. I'm married and my husband is really starting to put pressure on me for us to start trying for a baby. And I'm just not ready! Not when I see things like this and begin to think these restless thoughts: What if I do have a baby and it dies?
I lay awake and worry myself mad about this. The pain seems so enormous, far too big to wrap my arms around if something like this should ever happen. I know that I'm worrying far into the future, but never the less, the thought of it terrifies me. What if I love this little person so much that it hurts, then one day, without warning, they're gone. SIDS, car accidents, falls, sick depraved minds who get off on violating then murdering children. Everyday on the news it seems like ten new stories pop up of children dying. Countless babies die in their sleep every month...what if, one day, one of them is mind?
The question that I ask myself is: Is it better to not have and not lose, then to have and lose? Would I be much better off just not taking the chance of that kind of grief and heartbreak and sacrifice all the joy?
My husband tells me "It won't happen to us." But how many parents thought that very same thing and now there's a grave marked with their child's name?
Am I nuts? Am I thinking too much and too hard? I feel like 25 is the year that I have to have everything done by, including kids. My husband, my parents, his parents, our friends...they're all asking "So when you gonna have a baby?" Sometimes I feel like replying "Never!"
Ugh.
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